expectations

i would say that if i’ve been learning anything major in the last few years or so, it would be a lesson in expectations.

to me, christmas day has always had a tiny bit of sadness in it. you spend almost two months building up to that big day, with all the hype and excitment that twinkle lights and family get togethers bring. 
and then, since i’m an only child, the day turns out to be a very quiet, uneventful day. it’s always a pleasant day, filled with love and relaxation, but never what is to be expected after those two months of building expecation.

expectations haven taken/are taking a toll on my life, on my spirit. i cannot help, even in the smallest (even laughably small) of occasions but to get my hopes up about how wonderful something is going to be, just to be let down. it could be expectations about how a certain day will look, or how a certain evening will unfold, or the way a conversation will take place. and even if the result isn’t technically a bad result, it’s different. and different seems to be freaking me out.

this all sounds very dramatic, and it kind of is. but it’s what’s been controlling me lately, and i’m exhausted from it.

a couple of years back, these unmet expectations would be met with simply a disappointed look on my face, or with thoughts that i’d keep to myself. but these days, as soon as i realize all i had hoped for isn’t happening in the moment, tears collect in the corners of my eyes, and drip down my face. there is nothing, absolutely nothing i can do to stop these tears, either. im actually doing all i can to fight them off.

and i’m starting to resent them. they betray me over and over again. whereas i used to be able to hide what i felt, and act like everything was okay, now i’m having to learn how to be honest, because my tears have given me away, and everyone knows i don’t really have it all togther.

i’m a mess of a person sometimes. it’s the truth.

but this could turn out to be a good thing. i’ve always been bad at being honest about my feelings. so maybe god is trying to force me to learn that it’s better if i don’t hold it all in and suffer silently.

what’s strange is, when i was younger (high school mostly) i would cry almost everyday for many different reasons (happy, sad, if my feelings were hurt, compassion for someone). and in the last year nothing, no matter how horrible, could make me cry. so i prayed that god would help me feel things again. i actually prayed for tears.

and now i can’t stop.

look what i did.

i’m kind of proud of myself.
i work for a youth football league, and it’s time for the playoffs, so here is one of the brackets i made. this one is for 7 & 8 year olds…the precious little things :)

dreaming

there are too many things i want to do in life. i’d like to teach english in a spanish-speaking country, or maybe start a study abroad ministry in spain. when i studied abroad in costa rica, i made some bad decisions, so i’d like to provide students with a place to go, small groups, support for feeling lost in a foreign country, someone to talk to. oh, and i’d also like to own an ice cream shop downtown somewhere. and it would be nice to own a coffee shop with comfy couches and books all over the place. and how cool would it be have that be somewhere near a beach? or maybe in new york city. but then again, maybe i’d rather pursue my masters in divinity and teach bible classes at a christian college. yes, that would be nice. and of course i’d like to be a wife, a very supportive, encouraging, loving, funny one. and a mom who bakes a whole lot. and i want my kids’ friends to want to always come over. and much later in life i want my husband and me to take morning walks on the beach and pick up trash and things that the tourists left the day before, so that it always stays beautiful. and learning to sail is up there on the list too. i can’t believe it took me so long to put that on this list! and what if when i was older i could work at the charleston, south carolina chamber of commerce. i think i could promote that city better than anyone!!

but mostly, i just want to love god.

you should be jealous

 

this is stated on here often, but it must be said again. my boyfriend is wonderful. above are pictures of two reasons why i feel that way. 1) last monday (the day before fall started), d said he had a gift for me. he went down to his truck to get it as i waited impatiently. he returned with it “wrapped” in a new life church gift bag, haha. he then asked me, “do you know what tomorrow is?” hmmmm….nope, couldn’t remember. “it’s the first day of fall!” he handed me the bag and as i peeked in, i caught a glimpse of the most perfect fall mug i’ve ever seen, which he referred to as “the most indestructable autumn-toned sipping pardadise of all time”. agreed. AND he had already washed it so i could use it as quickly as possible. and inside there was a note. a precious one. one that i’ve read over and over again. one that will soon look worn because of how much i’ve handled it. :) 2) d and i like to eat skittles together. my favorites are the green and orange ones. well, on friday when i got in his truck to head to dequeen (his hometown) he had a package of skittles with only green and orange ones left….just for me :) oh man, things just keep getting better and better with him.

things i’m in love with right now

1. derek
2. all that the cracker barrell fall menu and store have to offer
3. bbq chicken salad at panera
4. my job
5. an apple, some pineapple, and coffee for breakfast
6. pairing neutral colored clothes with bright colored shoes or jewelry
7. this new fall tumbler that d bought for me to celebrate fall
8. watching season 1 episodes of “friday night lights” with d
9. taking iron so i can get better and run faster
10. small group and beth moore’s “esther” study
11. saturday’s with d (i bring him lunch and read blogs while he watches football. it’s a nice little set up we have going really.)
12. dinner with my dad every week
13. the whole foods fall setup in the front of the store
14. the starbucks on maumelle boulevard
15. christa black’s blog
16. this girl’s blog
17. oh and of course, this blog
18. anything purple
19. peanut m&m’s
20. dove dark chocolate
21. my drive to work in little rock via the old highway
22. reading crazy love by francis chan
23. washing my face with coconut oil
24. 5 calorie fruit punch packets that go in my water and make me drink more of it!
25. grande starbucks coffee with soy milk and two pumps of vanilla
26. scrabble
27. creatively turning my summer outfits into fall ones
28. the big dam bridge
29. all of ingrid michaelson’s music
30. all of a fine frenzy’s music

coffee and blogs

i’ll be honest, i saw this on someone else’s blog (if you click on the picture it will take you there), but i just couldn’t pass up posting this, since blogs and coffee occupy most mornings of mine.

my life quote

i think this quote just became what describes me, with all my ever-changing moods, and desires, and dreams, and abilities, and outlooks on life and God.

“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games…To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God’s grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, ‘A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.’” Brennan Manning

run. run. run.

fall makes me want to run. i like to run all year long, but fall makes me long for it. it becomes more of a contemplative, reflective acitivity in my day, rather than just exercise. sometimes in the fall, i can even run without my ipod, which is a big deal. the only thing is, i think i might have asthma, making my runs painful and not enjoyable in the least bit. and mostly i’m just being dramatic, but something is awry and i’m determined to find out what it is. i have a call in to the doctor to get an appointment. since i work in little rock now, i’ve decided to find a doctor here. i asked my friend linsdey here in my office who she goes to and she reccomended a very precious doctor at autumn road family practice. as soon as she told me the name of the office, i knew that is where i’d be going. i’m actually praying that i have asthma, so that it can be fixed by the simple use of an inhaler. because if it is just that i am getting worse at running, then i will be one very sad girl.

black mondays

needed to hear this this week…

BLACK MONDAY
christa black

BLACK MONDAY
christa black

well, it looks like rain, so they say
but i don’t care if blue turns grey
cause i decided it’s gonna be a beautiful day

my umbrella broke, i’m getting soaked
so i might as well lay back and float
cause i decided it’s gonna be a beautiful day

and though i can’t change the weather, i can change whether or not
i’m gonna smile

CHORUS:
black monday you can’t get me down
no no no
black monday turn yourself around
whoa, whoa, whoa
stop, cause i won’t let you win
you won’t defeat my week again
cause i’m convinced
that black monday
you won’t get me down this time

looks like my car won’t start
i’m late for work
oops, i just spilled coffee on my shirt
but i decided it’s gonna be a beautiful day

and when the traffic is stuck i’ll turn the radio up
and just enjoy the ride
and though i can’t change the forecast i predict
today’s my day to shine

fall music

this music should keep you smiling this fall:
www.imogenheap.com/

http://www.ingridmichaelson.com/music/

http://www.colbiecaillatmusic.com/ :) :) :)